Below is a poem I wrote about some things I have been struggling with lately….
Category Archives: Reflections
I Love You
Goodbye…
It’s time to say goodbye.
I’ve done my attempts at trying to fix things between you and I but it’s clear that you could careless.
We’d make great friends… and wonderful lovers even more…
But you won’t allow yourself to get closer to me.
I am hurt. Devastated, crushed, destroyed…
I know what I felt and I know you felt it too.
Why can’t we be?
Writing: Of Loss…
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I went on a walk today. Not too far away, just in the general area. One of the other artists here told me about an abandoned church that was not too far down the road. Having a vague interest in abandoned buildings I was intrigued. Since I didn’t have anything planned today, today was a good day to do some walking.
I ended up almost missing the church because the original path was overgrown with grass and pine needles and dirt. I started my way back up the road until I spotted a overgrown stone stair case and thought that was peculiar, but also thought it was kind of religious looking. I walked up the stairs and down a path that had grapes growing on either side of the pathway. I followed the pathway all the way up into a wooded area and a small towering church came into view. I had found it!
There was two stone benches attached to the church outside and I decided to take a break and cool off a bit. It was very peaceful as it sat back from the road a bit and you could barely hear the traffic that drove by. I got up and walked over to the front of the church. Unfortunately the doors were bolted shut so I couldn’t go in but I noticed some roses growing out of the masonry work of the church and snapped a few photos.
While I was sitting down, I thought about recently how people were leaving the Catholic faith in droves and here is an abandoned church. I thought about my own spirituality and concluded that they weren’t necessarily leaving religion altogether, but perhaps leaving organized religion and focusing on a more personal journey.
The above image was taken just before I walked down the pathway. My artwork is hugely centered around place/the environment as well as loss. At the beginning of this residency, I ran across an article from Orion Magazine by British author Robert MacFarlane and fell in love with the way he spoke about landscape. How his interest in landscape came from something called “landspeak”… describing one’s surroundings using singular words and sometimes phrases. He also mentioned the botanist, Oliver Rackham and wrote this passage about Rackham’s book, In the History of the Countryside.
“[…], the great botanist Oliver Rackham describes four ways in which “landscape is lost”: through the loss of beauty, the loss of freedom, the loss of wildlife and vegetation, and the loss of meaning. I admire the way that aesthetics, human experience, ecology, and semantics are given parity in his list. Of these losses the last is hardest to measure.”
It was interesting to me that this botanist saw that landscape is lost and he describes this loss through beauty, freedom, wildlife and vegetation and meaning. It made me think of my own healing journey from the loss of my job, a close friendship and relationship and more all in the span of two years. It was as if I was loosing myself and regenerating a new self from going through this pain and healing. I am certainly a different person than I was two years ago. I love the above image as it captures the sense of loss I think that MacFarlane was speaking about. Things change and move around and things get lost in the process. I have felt that this residency was the pinnacle of a turning point in my life. I had nothing but work and sleep for 6-9 months and I made enough money to take a month off and live in Italy to work on my artwork. I definitely sense change is coming and something new will come out of this loss. I had been thinking a lot about this close friendship whom I lost this past year and I definitely caught myself missing him.
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Camera Oscura
I open the double glass doors to a building that was built in the 900s AD that now housed an artist studio. The interior was decorated with low oblong brick arches and cobble stone floors. The camera oscura was situated just across the double glass doors and darkened with two very thick red velvet curtains. The feeling you got in this space was as if you were a 15th century alchemist studying notes from their book in the dim light. The camera oscura was lined with shelving to the ceiling full of esoteric and miscellaneous photographic equipment left by it’s previous users. To my left a shelf was stocked with brown chemical bottles and miscellaneous equipment to mix photographic chemicals. To my right was a wood board that was created as a makeshift table to do your developing in. To the far right of that was an enlarger for photographic prints. The table space was just enough for my device as well as the photo chemicals trays. I almost felt like a time traveler – bringing a device and a photographic process that was relatively futuristic into a space that was there since the 900s AD.
Liberation – Kali
The Hindu Goddess Kali – the goddess of time and change, death and rebirth, visited me through you. While at the time I didn’t know who she was, or what was happening and I felt hurt, lost and confused. At first I was really hurt, and the confusion was grand. Even a year after what happened between us, I still feel close to you, felt love and companionship – something I’ve been desperately seeking for awhile. I admired you; adored you… Everything you’ve taught me through working with you made me become where I am today in my own business practices. I valued you, saw you as an inspiration…. of whom I aspire to become someday (more or less).
But like with all Goddesses, the goddess energy is the female energy of the manifest world – no matter the culture. It resides in medicine plants and many other earthly forms. As I was discussing with my spiritual mentoree about a recent article posted by The Sacred Science website that the medicine plants hold the sacred energy of each goddess archetype – in the case of the article; Kali is the goddess form of the hibiscus plant. This goes back to the spiritual practice of correspondences – in mystery schools they teach that each plant or mineral has correspondences to amplify that specific energy. She [the Goddess Kali] offers liberation through time and change – death and rebirth and that’s why she came to visit me through you.
Rethinking what happened between you and me a few weeks ago, I have realized how much of a significant impact it has made on me. My spiritual mentoree even mentioned that my energy was lighter after the fact. Like I was broken free from the straps of the depths of my emotions and the darkness from loosing you as well as my ex in a span of two years. By providing liberation to me, I was broken free from these straps from my ex and the straps from you. It was like light had filled my life again. I had awoken from a deep sleep. I have been reborn.
Last September I went to Canada on a Biology research trip and spent time wondering the forests and practiced some Forest Bathing or what the Japanese refer to as “shinrin-yoku”. I ran across an art journal prompt board from pinterest with a pin of a picture of someones notes regarding different elements and how they are healing. They mention that forests protect our spirits with their canopies as well as energy. Before my trip, I prepared an artist journal and did a ‘pre visualization’ page. Normally, I don’t share what I’ve done in these journals as its for spiritual/artistic growth, unless it seems relevant.
The page to the right is my ‘pre visualization’ page from that residency and I was illustrating how I felt, and how I foresee what the experience may bring me. I was hoping to have this experience relieve me from recent events in my life and allow me to move me forward. At the time I was visualizing a turning a corner in my life – not necessarily liberation – but a new era, a new life cycle. It was just around the corner, but I wasn’t seeing it because I was so despondent. I had lost the light of my life, my inspiration, and a companion. 7 months later, that liberation came to me – (through you being mean to me!) – just in time for the spring equinox. I have never felt better and I cannot wait to see what comes to me for my ‘pre visualization’ page for Italy!
Pray for Strength
Lately things a been a bit rough.
Last month I had surgery in my left ear to remove a cyst that blocked my hearing and caused significant hearing loss. After working in a cubical at Minuteman and not being able to hear my co-workers through the glass pushed me over the edge to get it looked at. The best news about this was that the original surgery I had in the ear wasn’t affected and that this could be removed and my left ear would mirror my right ear. Well, I went in for surgery, came out fine and healed properly and everything seemed a success. A week and a half before my last post-op appointment I noticed something funny about the hearing of the left ear and just chopped it up to wax building up since I stopped using the medical drops that allowed it to heal as instructed. But during my post-op appointment, the Dr. checked it out and found out that due to aggressive healing a new membrane continued to grow and caused the same hearing loss problem. After this news I felt really defeated. I then had to have emergency surgery in the left ear because the membrane would just continue to grow and I’ll continue to loose my hearing. In between all this… I had a really bad viral infection the week of my residency which happened after the first surgery, and then five days before my second surgery I started to get high fevers. Between two surgeries in two months and feeling ill a couple of times in between, I’ve been feeling a bit down and defeated.
I’m also still trying to force myself to move on from Minuteman… coming to terms with the experience, and my feelings and realizing that my attempts to establish a professional relationship with them have been thwarted is making it really difficult for me to let go. Also leaving someone who I cared a lot about and held close to my heart there, is not helping this healing process. This experience also had me change the way I view negative experiences. I am teaching myself to learn to accept negative experiences, but don’t let negative experiences control me. Shit will continue to happen to me, but how I react to it will change how it molds into my life and affects me.
I’m just worried about how this experience at Minuteman will affect my career. Right now, I have no desire to go off job hunting again – after three years of sitting through resume calls and sitting and waiting and never hearing back to finally being hired in my desired position only to be fired six months later…; to sit through dozens of interviews only to never get a call back… to be ‘won over’ by someone else because of something that I don’t have… to be told that I don’t have the experience, skills or some other goddamn thing. I am worried my design career is coming to a heed. As a graduating senior, this isn’t how I envisioned my design career to be, no not at all! After my heartbreak, things just seemed to crumble and fall apart for me. I have thought of a temporary solution that will help me get through until my next design gig. I’m hoping that after my internship at JetSetterGypsy that I’ll be able to apply for Social Media marketing positions and just work with social media until another contract position comes through or something better. There just isn’t a job for me…
Leaving the Past Behind
I recently had closure on something that has allowed me to finally leave a situation in the past. It is bittersweet and while I thoroughly appreciated the closure, it’s left me with an empty heart. I had looked up to this person and admired them for what they have accomplished. As I feel like I could be in their shoes one day, and felt that if things went well I could learn a lot from them. But things didn’t go well, and I was forced to leave. My heart stings with the absence of their warmth. What’s frustrating me about this particular situation is my intuition. It’s telling me, that things are DEFINITELY not over, and it’s making moving on even more difficult. But what I find interesting about a similar situation that I was going through about a year ago, was my intuition telling me then that it was DEFINITELY OVER. This is different. I don’t feel the sinking feeling of disappointment creeping up on me, it’s quite different. It’s like the fact that I know things aren’t over are making it easier to move on. I guess I am just impatient and I want the new start to happen.
I also feel like a huge cycle just ended and this closure has allowed and opened some new things coming to me. I haven’t had a whole lot of luck with exhibitions lately, and I’m kinda wondering if its because the negative energy of that situation was still lingering. But now that it is closed, I should have better luck… it was like a block.
I guess this is goodbye
A poem is below about a person that I had to recently say goodbye to…
#3 The two moments I’ll never forget in my life are…
The third journaling prompt that Spirituality and Health mag suggests to write about are the two moments in your life that you’ll never forget, write them down so they are memorable.
I decided to do these prompts in relation to my career thus far.
1st Memory – In/Finite Earth
The first memory of my career thus far is obviously winning the In/Finite Earth competition. I never win at anything at all, and didn’t think that my photograms was considered as fine art. I guess before this competition I really didn’t know the value that my artwork had. This competition was a serious turning point in my career as I began to realize the significance of my work and the importance it has in the artwork. My professor that I created this work with in college told me that it had the huge possibility of becoming a legacy. This guy was the kind of professor who saw everything, so when I showed him my process and the work I was creating, it really changed his world I think as well.
2nd Memory – Being Hired (and then fired) at Minuteman Press New England
This is something I’ll never forget. I had been searching for a job for three years previously before being hired at Minuteman Press. I had studied graphic design for almost 8 years at the time I was hired. When I was finally hired, my co-workers then (before Minuteman) said I was glowing. I had just gone through a really rough time and it made me question my life as a whole – so entering this new job made me leave the things I was dealing with behind and to move onto a better phase in my life. I felt like I was prepared, but what I wasn’t prepared for was being denied – almost – accommodations for my mental disability. My boss didn’t care that I had such a thing and wasn’t willing to work with me. He also didn’t really understand that the mistakes/errors I was making was due to my mental disability and having my mind actually not being able to see those errors before production. I am now not really in the best place in my life because of that and I don’t really see graphic design as a career path right now. Which I am having a hard time coming to terms with because I had been on this path for almost 10 years now. To leave that dream behind makes me feel like a failure.
– See more at: http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/30-journaling-prompts-self-discovery#sthash.y6quQYHI.OO0C3ofT.dpuf
30 Journaling Prompts: #1 – My Favorite Way to Spend the Day
As nerdy as it may sound, actually my favorite way to spend a week day is working on my artwork/brand. By this I mean finding calls for entries, opportunities, and writing applications. The thought of my work getting accepted into some of these just sound tantalizing! I recently just applied to some really cool travel opportunities for this winter and next year. With my artwork being really unique and diverse, I have a pretty good chance at these, but they are competitive.
I’ve also been working on my indiegogo campaign and using twitter for marketing. It’s been cool to meet other users who are into promoting your work. I recently have been working with one individual, and he’s definitely got a hand on twitter and I feel pretty blessed to have his help.
I’m hooked on opportunity and with the acceptance rate my artwork has, it’s easy to get caught up in finding all these opportunities. It’s how I found most of the experiences that I’ve been able to have. The internet is a great resource for emerging individuals in any career – not necessarily the arts. Experience is everything, and just being one opportunity has happened, doesn’t mean it can happen again, you just have to put the effort into it.
My last thing has been publications. In some fields of academia to have your work published is extremely important. It doesn’t matter that someone doesn’t know it, it means that your work has been published! And you never know who may read those publications. Someone who may not necessarily go to a gallery, may read your publication and be interested in your work. They are a great venue for exhibition – but can be kinda tricky regarding copyright. Just be careful.
See more prompts: here
Biophilia – Activities – Monday
Monday
The following day we had our first hike. Before this hike we drove to a chairlift in the same park and got a look at the foliage. This was the first time of that I got lost! The group van had to be taken into Ottawa to be fixed so we couldn’t drive as a group. We were already running a bit late so we didn’t get to meetup with the arborist, which was a bit of a bummer, but we used the time during the hike to find plant material for the kirlian workshop that night!
Yes that’s right! I was able to do a kirlian workshop with the group. It was really fun to do because everyone was excited to do the workshop and was very enthusiastic about finding plant matter. I also was able to work with plants that I wouldn’t have otherwise had a chance to back home.
This day was very long and tiring at 1am I was very glad to be asleep!
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