Category Archives: Reflections

Reflections: Embracing Imperfection: My Journey to Self-Acceptance

Last year, I encountered a rather unexpected piece of gossip circulating about me. Someone I used to work with suggested that I portrayed an image of being ‘perfect,’ an accusation that struck me deep. It’s not that I ever claimed to be flawless or carried myself in a way that suggested such. In fact, the idea of perfection has never been a part of my narrative. However, after taking some time for introspection, I realized that the comment may have been referring to my overall place in life.

I do admit to exuding confidence, but that confidence has been hard-earned through navigating the tumultuous waters of life. It’s a product of the challenges I’ve faced, the battles I’ve fought, and the personal growth that followed. The road to self-assurance is often paved with struggles and hardships, and mine is no exception. In terms of physical appearance, I’ve long accepted that I don’t fit the conventional standards of beauty. I don’t possess the classic features that society often deems attractive. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine. Physical appearance is important in certain aspects of life, especially in relationships where intimacy plays a role. However, I firmly believe that people fixated solely on physical appearance are missing the depth and substance that truly matter. A quick glance at my website, portfolio, and self-promotion strategies reveals that I prioritize authenticity and substance over superficiality.

Coming to terms with these aspects of myself wasn’t an overnight realization. The gossip about appearing ‘perfect’ stung because it seemed to undermine the years of hard work, introspection, and healing I’ve invested in myself over the past decade. I’ve actively worked on healing my inner child and undergoing a profound transformation. The accusation felt particularly jarring because, at the time, I had just emerged from a period that can only be described as hell – navigating a now former, challenging job and housing situation. If someone perceived me as ‘perfect’ in any way, it seems I’ve reached a point in my journey. However, the irony is not lost on me. Those who see themselves as imperfect are often wrestling with their own insecurities and uncertainties. 

In retrospect, the comment, though hurtful initially, became slightly amusing. To be accused of looking ‘perfect’ in the midst of overcoming my own personal hell was a testament to the resilience I had developed. It reinforced my understanding that judgments, especially those based on appearances, often lack depth and nuance. My journey has been one of embracing imperfection, both in character and appearance. I’ve come to appreciate the beauty in authenticity and the strength that arises from acknowledging and embracing one’s flaws. The road to self-acceptance is ongoing, but I am proud of the progress I’ve made and the person I’ve become through the trials and tribulations. I stand firm in the belief that our worth goes far beyond the surface, and true beauty lies in the authenticity of our stories and the strength we find in our vulnerabilities.

Bomb Baby

If there is one time in my life where I could prove my abilities it would be around the time of the Boston Marathon bombing. Typically, I do not like reading on world events because I often feel helpless. I often have psychic dreams of future attacks, and honestly there’s nothing I can do about it other than ignore it and as a result I remember very few of these dreams; no one in power would believe a psychic. Anyway, as we all know the bombing happened on April 15th, 2013; because the nature of the job as a psychic, we were called into the Tearoom to work the following day. I will never forget Boston that day. The T was empty, except for a few brave souls; the streets – once filled with people – were empty. The armed forces at every major entryway and walking around downtown park street; Copley Square station was closed off. Boston, one of the busiest cities in the world had become practically a ghost town. Naturally, the work day was slow, but we were there for counsel for anyone that needed it.

 

To pass time, my co-workers and I would often read each other and play psychic games. One of these ‘games’ was to read on world events, jot it down in our journals and then revisit our interpretation later. It’s a tactic that can help you develop your abilities. At the time, and still to this day, I used the medieval scapini deck – a renaissance-based deck with a lot of symbolism and allegory. My co-worker/mentor at the time was reading with me and we were pulling cards on the marathon situation. Not to sound cocky, but in my opinion to really understand tarot and predicting, one must really understand some organic truths about the universe and I would like to think I have a good handle on these. Through this, I had pulled a specific card. I forget the question exactly, but I think we were just pulling to see what would come out at random – because nothing is ever random in this universe…

 

From the medieval scapini deck, I pulled the 8 of pentacles, in this deck, shows a young man, with crazy dark colored hair; on a ladder looking down at a palette of paint and painting a pentacle. Below him sits a woman with dark hair holding a baby in her hands. Instead of looking at the man, since at the time the bomber’s face was revealed and we were prying for more information; I looked directly at the woman and said out loud to my co-worker, ‘that there’s a woman attached to the bomb’.

 

I interpreted the baby the woman was holding as the bomb (as something she created) and the woman underneath the man as someone who may have controlled him in secrecy. Also the man on the ladder is painting a picture on a pentacle; perhaps painting a deception from what actually happened. At the time, I had just left it at that, since it’s just a game right?

Or so I thought…

 

 

A couple of days following this, my mom had nonchalantly asked me at dinner, if my co-workers at the tearoom and I had come up with any information psychically as I had told her on occasion we did this. I told her that we think there’s a woman attached to the bomb and while working on something a few days later and my mom was preparing dinner, I suddenly heard a loud “OH MY GOD!” from the kitchen. I ran down to see what the noise was about and turned to the TV; there was a news segment about a woman’s DNA found on the Boston bomb. The DNA was identified as Katherine Russell Tsarnaev. While there may have never been a full answer to this DNA of this woman; the publicized answer is that she handled the materials that the bomber used to make the bomb (baby).

 

I am a People too.

It’s been awhile since I did a business-y type of post. But the following subject is something that I’ve been struggling with for awhile and I know I’m not alone. Throughout the last 3 years of my professional life, I have felt like giving up. Some days are hell; when I loose a client, or progress has plateaued or family conflicts, or what have you. But the one thing that may ultimately push me over the edge one day is the way I get treated in this industry.

I was a part of a group once on facebook who attracted photographers but aimed at creative entrepreneurs and wanted to focus on the community aspect of entrepreneurship versus the competition aspect and a photographer posted a hard experience she had with the client. The client said in an email regarding her dissatisfaction with the results that she [client] was buying a service, and the photographer had written a blog post about wanting to establish a friendly-based relationship with clients before entering a project. While I understand both sides, the client’s and the photographer’s, I can’t help but feel sorry for the photographer. I’m sorry, photographers are people too. Graphic designers, are people too. Artists, are people too… web designers are people too. You get my drift.

In my search for the ‘perfect job’ (if there ever is one out there for me). My ideal position would be to be treated more than just a skill. More than just a service that is hired and then laid off. I am a people too. Treat me well, and I’ll do my job well. Treat me like crap and quite frankly, I’ll leave or find better clients. I’m tired of being seen as a skill or service that is hired to just be checked off a ‘to-do’ list. Yes, I produce, yes I make, I design, but at the same time I am a people too.

I have bills and materials to pay for. Being treated just as a service or skill, something tangible and that can be thrown away is one of the most degrading feeling ever. And unfortunately is too often the case in the creative industry. I GET IT. You want to hire us to make you something but at the same time I’m not a machine. There’s a person behind those skills who deserves to be treated fairly as you would treat a friend, or an acquaintance.

Many successful pop stars and musicians often feel this way too. Lady Gaga once said she almost quit the music industry because she didn’t want to be ‘a money-making machine’. While obviously I don’t make nearly as much as her, I get it. To be treated as a production machine , to keep producing, making, outputting without being treated like a human is degrading. I get that for some people work is work, and that friendly acquaintances should be kept out of it. But on the other hand, they are people too. If someone held the door for you, would you treat them like shit, or thank them?

 

 

The Simple Truth

Depending on your perception, life can be indefinitely complicated. What really matters is the truth. Truth creates understanding, equality, peace, love, freedom and is what ultimately unites all of humanity. The real truth merely asks that it is checked against your own reality. Only then can it become real and truthful.

The obvious is that which is never seen until someone expresses it simply — Khalil Gibran

There is nothing easier to know than the truth because it is life itself. The hindrance is desire. When understood, problems shift perceptions to stem from that of not knowing the truth of life. You cannot control life, but you can control the way you see it. The way to do this is by adhering to the truth.

 

A man should look for what is and not for what he thinks should be — Albert Einstein

Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another. Consciousness is an energy, and thoughts are levels of energy. You can subscribe to good levels of conscious energy by focusing not on what you see, but how you see it. The universe as it relates to energy, life and consciousness can be understood. This is the ultimate truth that has the power to transform mankind.

What confuses me the most is why people spend their whole lives acquiring money, only to spend all of their money trying to get their life back— Dalai Lama

The sight of a marvel landscape or astonishing phenomenon becomes a peak moment for most people. Why is this? Your mind opens up to the present moment when something is special. The truth is, every moment in life is special and you can be open to life most of the time, you just have to see the truth to see life. Nothing will ever make any real difference in your life unless it affects your relationship with the balanced physical world, thereby, only changing your mind. Changing the world does not change us. The change in frame of mind institutes the end of unnecessary suffering, conflict and confusion.

Truth is found in the content feeling that resides on a moment to moment basis. The truth demonstrates that you do not need to experience negativity to enjoy positivity. The bad will still happen, you will just perceive it differently.

Mental health is no less important than physical health. Meditation is a workout toward the truth.

Imagine the nature of a monkey; crazy and sporadic. Now imagine that monkey is drunk out of his mind, and was just stung by a wasp. This personification begins to characterize the nature of a free human mind on a day to day basis. The fact that the mind constantly fishes and strives for content aligned with logical explanations is hardly apparent until you challenge yourself to suppress your mind of any reasoning for a period of time. The practice of meditation is essentially the practice of calming the drunk stung monkey within. With this daily practice the beautiful talent of mindfulness begins to develop and strengthen. Like a muscle, your mind becomes stronger and is better able to control your thoughts according to your happiness, efficiency and desires. Mindfulness is a generally underrated skill that when mastered has the ability to conquer fears, doubts, undesired emotions and is only limited to the imagination. The connection between the truth of life and meditation is strong. Perception becomes clear, and doubts dissolve into irrelevance. Most importantly, the practice reveals the gift that lies within everyone and defines truth itself; the present moment.

The present is the ultimate gift and truth of life.

Everyone is given the present in every moment and will continue to receive it forever. The concept of the future and the past are distortions of the present that keep people chasing what isn’t, thereby missing the present in the process. All of what people want lies in the present. Most people just don’t know how to unlock their mindfulness of its existence. The present has to be our goal, because it is the only thing that exists.

Full acknowledgment of the truth will not happen over night. It begins with acceptance of the phenomenon that is the natural world. Mentality is powerful. When aligned with recognition of the balance of life, it persuades true life to shine through. All the best things will happen to you, and so will all of the worst, if you don’t know the truth.

The more present you live, the more fulfilling life gets.

Fulfilled: Is the way we feel when we are completely open to all of life. Becoming fulfilled allows you to feel the way you want to feel all the time. Fulfillment is true happiness. Any doctor will tell you that good feelings in life come from a release of chemicals such as dopamine, endorphins, adrenaline and serotonin in your brain. They do it by allowing you to experience true life. Like a drug, its effect is temporary and must be up kept with the knowledge of life’s truth which is eternal. If you disassociate your fulfillment from the happenings in the environment around you, you are allowed to become fulfilled 100% of the time. True freedom comes when you are able to stay fulfilled independent of what happens in the environment.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world — Mahatma Gandhi

If everyone looked at the big picture in life, we would see the same thing. The underlying enemy of mankind narrows down to cognitive dissonance. Overcoming this frequency and learning the simple truth would unite human beings, and we would all live in paradise.


Conceptual Success

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The concept of a goal is an interesting one. While it’s necessary to create a goal to achieve results, the processes involves a shift of focus away from the present moment of time. The essence of any spiritual practice is to allow yourself to resonate as close as possible to the present moment. What is the answer to this discrepancy? It is the culturally based definition of success.

In the context of a western society, the elusive goal called success looks like wealth and fame. As a portrait photographer, I have been exposed to a large collection of collegiate and high school graduations within the north east region of the United States. I see this to be a perfect representation of the region’s societal prescription. In this part of the world, class officials and leaders preach to their students messages that ultimately vocalize the wealth and fame version of success. They say that acquisition of upper echelon employment will provide a sufficient amount of wealth required to be happy. This is the goal they set out for the millennial generation to follow.

I don’t believe this can this fulfill the spirits of every human being that is born into this society, and is the reason for a good chunk of the hardships that this genre of life brings. Anyone who has been exposed to a drastically different way of life in other global communities will see the same vision. Each context of society seems to know they should be chasing happiness, however the concept of profit has driven more developed parts of the world such as the United States to devote their souls to acquiring materialistic wealth while namelessly robbing their happiness in the process.

Don’t be seduced into thinking that that which does not make a profit is without value. — Arthur Miller

If people are able to raise their appreciation for the present moment, this concept may also become clear. Setting a goal must lay forth a fulfilling path that is centered to the individuals passions and desires, not to the tune of a corporate profit. Success will come when passion, the art of creation, and happiness find their place to guide the path set by an ultimate goal. This way, the process of shifting focus away from the here and now can be enlightening, and success can come from within.

A goal is an amazing entity. Looked at with full appreciation and dominant compassion, manipulation of elements within the universe converge to display a desired outcome. What could be more beautiful than that?

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A Centered Take on Society

To my objective vision, today’s society is a living and growing entity made rational and tangible through the five human senses, while attenuating the unknown.

Society cares for the individual only so far as he is profitable -Simone de Beauvoir

Having been raised in western cultural norms, and recently exposed to the radical dichotomy that exists between global cultures, it has become clear to me that accepting yourself while staying true to your passions holds the key to a positive frequency of life. This way, everything can be perfect.

Accept yourself as you are. And that is the most difficult thing in the world, because it goes against your training, education, your culture. From the very beginning you have been told how you should be. Nobody has ever told you that you are good as you are → Osho

This concept has awakened my beliefs to a direction that is not bound by convention. My thoughts have gravitated towards making sense of the world we call home. Essentially, I see truths that point toward many different avenues to achieve the same desired outcome. I believe everyone has a unique and essential perspective of the world. I personally find a great sense of curiosity in exploring these avenues, and appreciating our dimensional gift that is the present moment. Through the experience of natural forms of stimulation such as exercise or practiced gratitude for our existence, we are able to give our body the exact programming and rewards that it is primitively set up to receive in order to subscribe to a positive frequency of life.

We are in a transitional period with our bodies, in that many demands of modern western culture see no need to fulfill these natural reward systems. Instead, they are replaced with stresses on the acquisition of money and material worth. Unless you are actively pursuing something that you absolutely love and are passionate about, the relatively new prescribed path of life called your job becomes ultimately empty and completely unnatural to the human body and its coordinated psyche.

It is almost as if society has engineered itself so that we can consistently innovate and create new things more quickly and more easily. From an evolutionary perspective, it is almost as if this machine wants to be born, so it has reprogrammed society to live for the machine, rather than to live for the natural human needs system.

We are all on this incomprehensibly large sphere hurling its self through infinite space and time. How come nobody seems to talk about it?

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Frustrations of a Psychic

I am frustrated. These past two weeks I have been crippled with anxiety. I kept thinking over and over as to why. NOTHING in my life could be the cause of this. Yes, there’s a lot on my plate, but in theory I don’t have to do much of any of it.

So why have I been crippled with so much anxiety? Even after being laid off unexpectedly, I was relatively calm, and all through May I had been calm.

I found myself recalling what this anxiety was usually associated with. Something I like to call psychic fever… when I start to get physically ill due to something bad coming to my life.

I got it when I was fired unexpectedly. I got it when the Paris terrorist attacks occurred, the Boston Marathon bombing, and now I am realizing the massacre in Orlando.

I have come to the conclusion that I get physically ill whenever a major and devastating event is about to happen. Usually the day after I am relieved, or feel better as messed up as that sounds. And not for evil purposes either, ‘oh that I’m glad that dozens of people were hurt or injured’. The anxiety should be worse after, to think all those loving people being injured by a senseless act of violence.

But the anxiety comes from not being able to control it. No one will believe me when something bad is going to happen with symptoms of a common cold. No one will believe it.

But this physical reaction was different this time with Orlando. Last night I had a dream where I was running away from a gunman and bolted out of an emergency exit. Somehow I thought staying to bolt the door was safer than using the time to flea. The gunman knocked down the door which threw me to the ground and shot me in the neck. I felt my warm blood gushing out of my neck, down my torso and felt myself dying which is when I woke up.

I don’t remember my dreams. My last dream was also a death dream which happened the night before I was laid off unexpectedly.

This gunman dream was so much more real. I even FELT the warm blood.

It makes me so frustrated sometimes to have this heightened ability and not be able to do anything real with it because no one will believe me.

Maybe I’m meant to change that.

Man, wouldn’t it be cool if I could fight terrorism with my ability be able to tell the CIA when the next attack would be… yeah.

The Bicycle

niles2Out of the numerous mechanical inventions that human-kind has come up with, perhaps one that has the greatest potential to enhance an exploratory and spiritual mindset is the bicycle. Not only does it serve as an active form of transportation, it provides a platform for adventure.

In its integrity, the bicycle can be seen to metaphorically demonstrate the acquisition of a joyful and simplistic lifestyle. By adhering to a notion that does not continuously strive for never ending amelioration to all of life’s nuances, but rather content and simple gratitude, the beauty of existence glows more intensely than that of a life experienced by chasing expectations or problems.

I want to wake up and put my best face forward to the day. If I take care of myself the day is going to take care of me. | Ultra Romance

As a sport to many and a hobby to others, bikes create experiences. People first started riding bikes at the turn of the century. It was about getting out to the country side and being independent. People still exist today that are spearheading this movement. As compared to a person who has become integrated into certain modern societal cultures, these people subscribe to a frequency that is more heavily in tune with the relationship between them selves and the appreciation for the present moment. In this sense, the reward of existence that matches the aesthetic of discovery carries an identical reward to that of a bottomless bank account. With recognition that everyone is given the present moment and will continue to receive it forever, the greatest gift that promises to keep on giving, may in fact be the bicycle.

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I’m Niles

LIFE IS WILD. ENJOY THE RIDE. 13043577_10205931100545589_1830278714234636204_n-300x300

I enjoy looking at life through the lens of the bigger picture. To me, this reveals that our most powerful tool is our free will. It provides freedom of choice that ultimately affects our well-being and happiness. Perspective lends inspiration to exercise my free will, and new experiences build my appreciation for the art that is my ambiance.

Myself, along with everyone in this world is unique and has something compelling to offer. I believe answering the simple question of why I get out of bed in the morning holds the key to becoming fully authentic and fulfilled throughout my life. To express my true self I am actively pursuing everything that inspires me to be a better version of myself day in and day out. If I can align my battles with passion and joy, in my mind I’ve won the game of life.

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The Ideal is Linked to the Ego

This recent job at Yankee Candle not only provided material growth for me but also spiritual growth. I had come out of a very dark period in my life that was riddled with anxiety, depression and other struggles due to my situation at the time. Working at Yankee Candle helped relieve a lot of those issues.. but also allowed me to crack an issue that I had been having with relationships.

That dark period in my life was caused by the sudden loss of a beloved job that I had at the time and where I had found myself being emotionally involved with my boss. While working, I ignored my feelings because he was after all my boss and I couldn’t in no way shape or form express them to him. But I began to notice emotional undertones from him as well towards me. The relationship we had became very toxic and it wasn’t good for either of us. When he let me go, I had a heck of a time letting go, because I still felt so strongly for him. To this day, I do still feel strongly for him but I have, for the most part, moved on.

For him though, he couldn’t see past me as his employee and cared too much about his image to build a lasting, fulfilling friendship with me. No matter what angle I tried, he rejected me and my heart, leaving me devastated each time.

The last 10 years of my life, my relationships have been one heartbreak after another. I kept ‘falling’ for the same type of person over and over. This last one made me realize that this type was my ideal type of person for me, at least that’s what I thought. But I realized over time, while hard to come to terms with, these people that were MY ideal, I wasn’t THEIR ideal.

Idealism is linked to the ego. When we find a mate that fits our ideal, our ego is stroked and inflated to the point we are walking through life with rose colored glasses. Sometimes its’ hard to see us being with anyone else that is different from this ideal. Recently, I was faced with several options I met through work and one of them was an ideal, one that would’ve stroked my ego, and then another which completely surprised me as he wasn’t usually my type at all. But overtime, the strength of our connection and the way he treated me, I realized that while sometimes we may not end up with the ideal in regards to relationships, what matters is the way they treat you. The way your heart feels and how they act around you.

#prayforparis

My heart goes out to the city of Paris and country of France today. France is very close to our hearts here at home and in the USA. Especially during this time with the GAIA exhibition – the curator is safe and is contacting the other artists. I had the word Paris in my third-eye all morning/afternoon on Friday, and couldn’t figure out why… and now I know.

I am very thankful that no one in my immediate circle was hurt or located in France at the time.

Take care of yourselves now.

Inconsistencies

There’s something I’ve been wanting to write about for awhile to get off my chest.
My former harp teacher recently unfriended me on Facebook because she thought I was being ridiculous in that I wasn’t following my boss’s instructions that went against my education and previous experience in the field. She believed that since my boss wrote the check that I should follow their instructions to the T. In theory this is right. But only in theory – especially since that particular job wasn’t the only one and I didn’t really need it. I told her she had no right to reprimand me in front of my friends for being caught up in something that I was asking for clarification in. Someone I know who worked in scheduling agreed with me… and other things… I was just dumbstruck that she would call me out as such. She also thought she knew my field because her daughter worked in for over 10 years… I’m sorry, but you have no respect for what I do if you think you know what it takes to make a decent design and I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t call your daughter’s work to be anything spectacular either… she’s great at art and illustration and has a clever way to incorporate it into an image, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it great design… seen better.

As a design and marketing specialist, I am typically hired for my knowledge and skills in the field. It’s how my career took off – at Minuteman it was how I was hired… and I continue to stand out in my field with my creativity and design skill – I get jobs and gigs for it and that’s the way it should be. I’ve been freelancing since 2010 and have a very good understanding of the field. I may be young, but I am not inexperienced in my field. I have been hired for my proficiency, etc. so do not try to tear me down or disagree with something I feel strongly with. My ideals and morals have gotten me this far in the field and I will not step down to someone who doesn’t know. Honestly, it’s like me saying that I know all about mechanical engineering because my Dad’s been working in the field for over 30 years… that’s ridiculous! I know the basics of electronics, but other than that, not much…!

But, I’m sorry. If I have been trained and taught to do a certain way and I am hired for it, I will not let anyone else tell me otherwise – why hire me if you can’t allow me to do my job?? And otherwise, the job is probably not a good fit – if you can’t handle this from me, we can’t work together.

I’ve been studying, practicing, educated, experienced in graphic design for over 10 years. My first commission was done late middle school. I am not going to ‘dumb down’ my skills just because an ill-informed boss wouldn’t agree with me on something that I have been taught and trained and do very well in.

I may not be working in a print shop, but my work goes directly to the printer via my boss. It is part of my job as a graphic design specialist to make the document as impeccable and perfect as possible so that the final product is something the boss or customer can be proud of. I’m not going to let grammar technicality inconsistencies and typos ruin a design I spent hours creating – it’s a reflection of the designer and reflected as an inexperienced one – which I am not. I had a potential client call the other graphic designers he’s worked with assholes because they left typos and grammar technicality inconsistencies in their designs and didn’t have attention to detail. Excuse me, I don’t want to be seen as an asshole in my field, in front of my peers because of a lack of attention to detail.   If I am taught and trained to put extensions in numbers, I will fucking do that, if you disagree with me, why hire me?

So to my harp teacher – sorry, but you’re wrong on this one, even though you so wanted to be right. Telling me to not do my job as a specialist in my field is ridiculous. You also can’t assume you know everything without having worked a day in the field… so good on you for unfriending me.