For any of my frequent readers, if there are any… know that I’m going through one of the most difficult transformations and times of my life thus far. I’ve definitely seen it all and then some, but the difference is that it has always happened to other people and those indirectly related to me. This time it has been directly related to me and I never have experienced so much pain in my life and I’m happy to say that I am finally turning the corner and heading back into the light!!
In August, I approached someone openly about how I felt about them and questioned their feelings toward me. They had flirted with me for five months the beginning part of last year (around this time). Unfortunately, college ended and I graduated and moved six hours back to Boston to never hear of/from them again, when in fact they said they would ‘keep in touch with me’. Knowing my past friendships + relationships with people whom mysteriously seem to come and go from my life like the tides of the sea, I remained skeptical. Of course, like most of my friendships and relationships go, they never contacted me after three months of waiting to hear from them… call me impatient… but that is a long time to wait for someone to contact them (at least in my opinion). In those months, I never stopped thinking about this person… thinking about how they made me feel when I was with them… thinking about how I perhaps made them feel… the relationship we shared between us was wonderful, alive, and free. It was beautiful. I wanted more… before they did.
There’s more to this story than what I am willing to write here, but let’s just say that sometimes being a psychic has its’ burdens… knowing about something way before its’ supposed to happen can be hard and takes strength and patience to deal with. I was fed up with not knowing where this relationship was going and bravely approached them and contacted them. The main intention of my email was to encourage them to pursue me if they wanted. I did not care if they were in a relationship already, it did not matter as they by the time the semester ended wanted to pursue me no matter what… but instead of a joyous and celebratory response, I got a negative, heart wrenching response that literally tore me apart. It was a blow to my heart, mind and soul and I am not exaggerating.
August slowly went by and September approached and then one morning my mom woke me up as usual but in a really distressed voice. I came downstairs and started my breakfast routine thinking she was just in a bad mood as usual…. and then I noticed something different and my dad stayed home. He came up the stairs and announced my beloved grandmother – the one who always came for games, recitals, celebrations, birthdays, holidays, anything that was significant to our family she’d be there – had died. I broke down immediately as anyone would do in that situation. My whole body shook when I tried to eat breakfast… will never forget my dad and the way he acted that day. Fall then went by in a flurry as we hurriedly tried to clean and get rid of the stuff in my grandmothers’ house and sell it by the end of the year (which we did). During September and October I never felt so much emotional pain. It was like my insides were bleeding from the out and I just couldn’t bring myself back up to the health well being I was while I was still in college (and in love…). October was easier, but then my beloved 16 year old cats’ health began to deteriorate rapidly until I found him in the kitchen one night before I went to bed spazzing and paralyzed and couldn’t move. My heart broke again when I put him in his basket for the last time knowing the next day I wouldn’t ever see him again. We finally had to put him down in the beginning of November. In the span of four months my heart broke three times, all the while I was trying to recover and heal from the first heartbreak.
Breakup is one thing, but rejection from the person who you know loves you and that you love back hurts from the inside out. Especially since there was a deep past life connection to this person and you had the opportunity to have a wonderful soulmate experience and the other person just tossed it away. Tossed it away without ever apologizing to you, leaving you wondering if they ever will, and leaving you hurting – bleeding, each day that goes by it hurts even more. Just because I may have healed my heart chakra, doesn’t mean I’m completely over it. I definitely still cry about it time and time again mostly out of frustration. It doesn’t help that the psychics you work with keep telling you they’ll come around and will profess their love to me.
After my family had to put my cat down, I began job searching once again and one day I was searching and I heard “Tremont Tearoom” pop into my head. I took that as a sign and emailed them asking if they had a tarot reading position open. During the time I had to try to recover from the first heart break I had been consulting my tarot deck as well as using an online forum to help gain insight into the situation. So I had hounded my skills as a reader during that time and got quite good. By Thanksgiving I was hired at the Tremont Tearoom as a part-time psychic. The owner also wanted me to do a few graphic design projects for the tearoom (which was quite fine with me… mixing the esoteric and design? SIgn me up!). In one meeting he told me that I was supposed to be at the tearoom because I was broken… and they by spending time there they’d fix me (tearoom in general). After working a few weeks at the tearoom, I was slowly starting to get my confidence back but I was still in a seemingly perpetual black hole of emotions and sadness that I couldn’t seem to get out of. Christmas time arrived, and I started doing healing meditations because I thought If this doesn’t get me out of this depressive hole I don’t know what will. I had created a meditation space in my room and have been using some of the money I earned at the tearoom to do so as well as using some of the things I inherited from my grandmothers’. I honestly believe a lot of the healing energy that is imprinted in the objects from my grandmothers’ contributed a lot too, but who am I to decide.
So here I am, writing this paper about what I have learned during this time of healing. I used a mandala deck a co-worker gave to me and I thought it was perfect asset to these meditations. Something different, but the same idea. I used the Mandala Cosmic Deck of Initiation by Barbara M. Delong. Fantastic imagery!! Anyway, the astrological signs I took as either a person in my life who will play a big role in my healing or an energy that will manifest once the other cards have been learned.
12/24/12 – Healing Within & Foundation = Session a success? Yes! Started to heal within as mandala deck confirmed it is only the beginning however.
12/25/12 – Capricorn & Taurus & Virgo = They are all involved in terms of healing from heartbreak. (people involved)
12/27/12 – Foundation & Golden Rule (=Universal Balance) = In order to achieve well rounded life, let the universe take its’ course. You have created the foundation. Don’t worry about the rest so much.
12/29/12 – Universal Truth & Law of Limitation (=Law of Attraction) = Sometimes a limitation will reveal the universal truth created by the attraction.
1/1/13 – Universal Balance & Law of Free Will (=Foundation) = Under all great foundations come with an expression of universal balance & Free Will! For a great new year foundation go with the flow!
1/2/13 – Virgo & Universal Balance (=Healing Within) = A Virgo with great universal balance will help heal your heart.
1/5/13 – Crown & Libra (=Pisces) = Using intuition & communication share the accomplishment of a goal and it will free your restrictions to developing your own personality & talents.
1/6/13 – Universal Balance & Universal Truth (=Law of Limitation) = Universal balance + Universal Truth Creates Limitation.
Session a success? Yes! Started to heal within as mandala deck confirmed; it is only the beginning however. This session just spoke to beginning the healing process from within. I may have healed from outside inward, but beginning to heal within from here on out.Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo; they are all involved in terms of healing from heartbreak. This just speaks to the major roles that these signs are playing in my life in terms of the astrological energy itself and the actual signs (people) involved. In order to achieve a well rounded life, let the universe take its’ course. You have created the foundation. Don’t worry about the rest. This affirmation just seems to speak to the fact that what happened was supposed to happen, and that it sparked the foundation for something wonderful (just what the other psychics have been telling me as well…). Sometimes a limitation will reveal the universal truth created by the attraction. This affirmation is just a reflection of our situation. The other person had a position of authority (the limitation) but that very aspect may be apart of the attraction as well for both parties. Both people had a bit of power the other person was attracted to either societal wise or just personal and spiritual wise. Under all great foundations come with an expression of universal balance & Free Will! For a great new year foundation go with the flow! This affirmation just seems to say that if I want things to go well in the beginning of the new year related to the situation I’m dealing with, don’t think so much and just go with it! A Virgo with great universal balance will help heal your heart. This is just saying that the Virgo energy will help me through this situation; energetically as well as actual people too (two psychics who were Virgos have read for me in this situation). The Vigro energy wants me to learn how to adapt to different people and situations by finding ways to make myself useful. Its’ energy wants me to hide my vulnerability, and focus attention on what I’m doing rather than who I am. The energy wants me to deflect attention away from myself, and focus on other people by praising their talents and virtues, or by criticizing fault behavior or personal imperfection. Using Intuition & Communication share the accomplishment of a goal and it will free your restrictions to developing your own personality & talents. This affirmation is just reminding me that when the goal is accomplished to share it with others (the obtainment of the relationship with this person) because by doing so, my personality and talents (?) will grow as an individual. Universal Balance & Universal Truth creates Limitation. And finally this affirmation just confirms that sometimes using great patience and protection of a truth limitation needs to be imposed… and that may mean anything from creating distance between two people or actually manifesting a limitation on the (other) person.
So there you have it! This is what the universe wants me to learn about what I’m going through. Perhaps it could be of use to you as well and what you’re perhaps going through too. <3
This Saturday I went to the Harvard Leadership conference as a “participant”. One of my Kirlian Photographs was submitted and exhibited on the sides of the conference room. Got a lot of positive feedback for it which made me happy. The first workshop I went to was called, “High Awareness through Spiritual Consciousness”. The speaker was a little hard to understand, but he basically said that we should be focusing on how our emotions affect our actions and by focusing on our emotions we become more in tune with the present moment, and thus more in tune to the realization that we’re all connected. By realizing that we should then present ourselves as individuals that stand out from the group and not act as part of a “following” because we’re trying to do what everybody tells us what we should do. Anyway, that’s what I picked up. My speaker was Chat Troutwine who spoke how presenting in a leadership role is like telling a story. Storytelling is very important to leadership and presenting oneself because the brain is hardwired to learn information in a story format. My second workshop was Designing for the Client; Building for the Community. It focused on 3-D design and architecture instead of 2-D design but the concepts are the similar. I was put into the design group and apart of trying to convince clients why design is important for a building. I also got a potential client out of the second workshop as well! I spoke about how design is more about psychology than anything else. The final speaker was Roger Love and he spoke about how to speak in front of a large audience and how music was a big part of how we speak even if we aren’t singing or performing the same kinds of techniques that performers and singers use can be applied to presenting as well. Overall it was a good day, just long. Glad to be home.
