Category Archives: Knowledge Center

Blog, Reflections, Spirituality

The Ideal is Linked to the Ego

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This recent job at Yankee Candle not only provided material growth for me but also spiritual growth. I had come out of a very dark period in my life that was riddled with anxiety, depression and other struggles due to my situation at the time. Working at Yankee Candle helped relieve a lot of those issues.. but also allowed me to crack an issue that I had been having with relationships.

That dark period in my life was caused by the sudden loss of a beloved job that I had at the time and where I had found myself being emotionally involved with my boss. While working, I ignored my feelings because he was after all my boss and I couldn’t in no way shape or form express them to him. But I began to notice emotional undertones from him as well towards me. The relationship we had became very toxic and it wasn’t good for either of us. When he let me go, I had a heck of a time letting go, because I still felt so strongly for him. To this day, I do still feel strongly for him but I have, for the most part, moved on.

For him though, he couldn’t see past me as his employee and cared too much about his image to build a lasting, fulfilling friendship with me. No matter what angle I tried, he rejected me and my heart, leaving me devastated each time.

The last 10 years of my life, my relationships have been one heartbreak after another. I kept ‘falling’ for the same type of person over and over. This last one made me realize that this type was my ideal type of person for me, at least that’s what I thought. But I realized over time, while hard to come to terms with, these people that were MY ideal, I wasn’t THEIR ideal.

Idealism is linked to the ego. When we find a mate that fits our ideal, our ego is stroked and inflated to the point we are walking through life with rose colored glasses. Sometimes its’ hard to see us being with anyone else that is different from this ideal. Recently, I was faced with several options I met through work and one of them was an ideal, one that would’ve stroked my ego, and then another which completely surprised me as he wasn’t usually my type at all. But overtime, the strength of our connection and the way he treated me, I realized that while sometimes we may not end up with the ideal in regards to relationships, what matters is the way they treat you. The way your heart feels and how they act around you.

Articles, Blog, Esoteric, Inquiry, Observations, Reflections, Research, Spirituality

Liberation – Kali

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The Hindu Goddess Kali – the goddess of time and change, death and rebirth, visited me through you. While at the time I didn’t know who she was, or what was happening and I felt hurt, lost and confused. At first I was really hurt, and the confusion was grand. Even a year after what happened between us, I still feel close to you, felt love and companionship – something I’ve been desperately seeking for awhile. I admired you; adored you… Everything you’ve taught me through working with you made me become where I am today in my own business practices. I valued you, saw you as an inspiration…. of whom I aspire to become someday (more or less).

But like with all Goddesses, the goddess energy is the female energy of the manifest world – no matter the culture. It resides in medicine plants and many other earthly forms. As I was discussing with my spiritual mentoree about a recent article posted by The Sacred Science website that the medicine plants hold the sacred energy of each goddess archetype – in the case of the article; Kali is the goddess form of the hibiscus plant. This goes back to the spiritual practice of correspondences – in mystery schools they teach that each plant or mineral has correspondences to amplify that specific energy. She [the Goddess Kali] offers liberation through time and change – death and rebirth and that’s why she came to visit me through you.

Rethinking what happened between you and me a few weeks ago, I have realized how much of a significant impact it has made on me. My spiritual mentoree even mentioned that my energy was lighter after the fact. Like I was broken free from the straps of the depths of my emotions and the darkness from loosing you as well as my ex in a span of two years. By providing liberation to me, I was broken free from these straps from my ex and the straps from you. It was like light had filled my life again. I had awoken from a deep sleep. I have been reborn.

photo-2Last September I went to Canada on a Biology research trip and spent time wondering the forests and practiced some Forest Bathing or what the Japanese refer to as “shinrin-yoku”. I ran across an art journal prompt board from pinterest with a pin of a picture of someones notes regarding different elements and how they are healing. They mention that forests protect our spirits with their canopies as well as energy. Before my trip, I prepared an artist journal and did a ‘pre visualization’ page. Normally, I don’t share what I’ve done in these journals as its for spiritual/artistic growth, unless it seems relevant.

The page to the right is my ‘pre visualization’ page from that residency and I was illustrating how I felt, and how I foresee what the experience may bring me. I was hoping to have this experience relieve me from recent events in my life and allow me to move me forward. At the time I was visualizing a turning a corner in my life – not necessarily liberation – but a new era, a new life cycle. It was just around the corner, but I wasn’t seeing it because I was so despondent. I had lost the light of my life, my inspiration, and a companion. 7 months later, that liberation came to me – (through you being mean to me!) – just in time for the spring equinox. I have never felt better and I cannot wait to see what comes to me for my ‘pre visualization’ page for Italy!

Blog, Reflections, Spirituality

Leaving the Past Behind

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I recently had closure on something that has allowed me to finally leave a situation in the past. It is bittersweet and while I thoroughly appreciated the closure, it’s left me with an empty heart. I had looked up to this person and admired them for what they have accomplished. As I feel like I could be in their shoes one day, and felt that if things went well I could learn a lot from them. But things didn’t go well, and I was forced to leave. My heart stings with the absence of their warmth. What’s frustrating me about this particular situation is my intuition. It’s telling me, that things are DEFINITELY not over, and it’s making moving on even more difficult. But what I find interesting about a similar situation that I was going through about a year ago, was my intuition telling me then that it was DEFINITELY OVER. This is different. I don’t feel the sinking feeling of disappointment creeping up on me, it’s quite different. It’s like the fact that I know things aren’t over are making it easier to move on. I guess I am just impatient and I want the new start to happen.

I also feel like a huge cycle just ended and this closure has allowed and opened some new things coming to me. I haven’t had a whole lot of luck with exhibitions lately, and I’m kinda wondering if its because the negative energy of that situation was still lingering. But now that it is closed, I should have better luck… it was like a block.

Blog, Reflections, Spirituality

Inner Work

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I’ve been spending this past week trying to get my mind in the right frame of mind for my residency. I’ve been tying up projects, working on cleaning, meditating, preparing, etc. I’d just go with the flow, but I’d want to have some creative preparation for the week so if I have an idea for something in the future I am prepared.

These past couple of months have been really emotional for me. I’m waiting on edge in hopes of a prediction to come through, but for whatever reason it keeps being delayed and whenever this happens my anxiety is through the roof and I’m just on edge and uncomfortable until it passes; I’ve been feeling this way since the end of July and my predictions keep saying it’ll come through… Advice has been to just let it go, but I’m afraid if I let it go, I’ll end up being disappointed! And I have a fear of disappointment, so trying to let it go and to be allowed to be disappointed is what I’m afraid of. But I keep being reminded that maybe, if I do let it go, for once I may not be disappointed!

The waiting is just bringing up old wounds and dealing with old wounds is never pretty. And the person I am waiting on knows very well what has happened to me in the past that has hurt me and keeping me hanging and waiting, is a sure damn way to continue to hurt me. It shows to me that I’m not a priority, that maybe you really don’t care about me in the way I thought you did, and just by keeping me hanging it shows that maybe you don’t have respect for me and that maybe you’re not the person I thought you were… I realize all of this is extreme, and I realize that people are busy and have other important things in mind… but still it is what goes through my head when someone just leaves me hanging and it just creates an emotional roller coaster for me. It’s one of those things where I know without a doubt that the prediction will come through but my fear of failure and disappointment is what is keeping me from believing that this is true! It’s such an uncomfortable contradiction!

 

 

Blog, Spirituality

Walk in the Forest to Heal Oneself

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I have always been a nature lover, who appreciates spending time outdoors and soaking in the positive energy of the green surroundings. So I was simply thrilled when I came across a popular practice in Japan called ‘Shinrin-yoku’ which means ‘taking in the forest atmosphere’ also known as ‘forest bathing‘.

Spending time in nature is healing energy for the mind, body and soul. The idea with Shinrin-yoku, a term coined by the government in 1982 but inspired by ancient Shinto and Buddhist practices, is to let nature enter your body through all five senses, and feel at one with the forest. It is about being mindful of your surroundings and the experience.

Read more here

 

Inquiry, Research, Spirituality

What a Shaman See’s In a Mental Hospital

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This is one of the most enlightening articles I’ve read in awhile regarding Mental Illness… and it makes SO much sense from this point of view and what is happening around me. This enlightenment has been having me thinking that one of the things that I’ve always wanted to do is go to an indigenous culture or village and learn to become a shaman:

In the shamanic view, mental illness signals “the birth of a healer,” explains Malidoma Patrice Somé.  Thus, mental disorders are spiritual emergencies, spiritual crises, and need to be regarded as such to aid the healer in being born.

What those in the West view as mental illness, the Dagara people regard as “good news from the other world.”  The person going through the crisis has been chosen as a medium for a message to the community that needs to be communicated from the spirit realm.  “Mental disorder, behavioral disorder of all kinds, signal the fact that two obviously incompatible energies have merged into the same field,” says Dr. Somé.  These disturbances result when the person does not get assistance in dealing with the presence of the energy from the spirit realm.

http://thespiritscience.net/2014/06/16/what-a-shaman-sees-in-a-mental-hospital/

Blog, Inquiry, Inspiration, Research, Spirituality

Damanhur Federation

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[vc_row][vc_column width=”2/3″][vc_custom_heading text=”Inquiry: Damanhur Federation” font_container=”tag:h3|text_align:left” google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%3A100%2C100italic%2C300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C500%2C500italic%2C700%2C700italic%2C900%2C900italic|font_style:100%20light%20regular%3A100%3Anormal” el_class=”widget-title”][vc_column_text]I know I have blogged about the Damanhur Federation located in Italy before on this blog, but more and more I’m starting to see it as a prime destination to the continuation of my research. For those who aren’t sure what I research… I research how conscious reality sustains itself through light, sound and vibration. I try and answer questions as to how physical reality is created and sustained… as scientists look through a microscope into matter all they see are atoms and space but yet, our world is full of living breathing organisms. Yes, there are other things that factor into the reality around us (our brains, for example). Recently, scientists have just figured out how to make matter from light. Awhile ago I read an article about how a neurosurgeon was able to reproduce the effects of a coma… in which he experienced a ‘heaven’ like reality. Although, dangerous as one can ‘loose’ themselves in the coma and can never wake, it provides more evidence into the reality that we live in every day. The way this neurosurgeon was able to reproduce the same effect, was through sound. If sound can alter our current conscious reality into something else, shouldn’t that lead to something?

But the next question is… how to get myself to Damanhur! Grants yes, I suppose I need to do some research on grants for independent researchers and such or try to convert my research into an art project.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][vc_column width=”1/3″][vc_widget_sidebar sidebar_id=”sg498_8790gxe”][vc_custom_heading text=”Support the Research” font_container=”tag:h2|font_size:25px|text_align:left|color:%2311322a” google_fonts=”font_family:Playfair%20Display%3Aregular%2Citalic%2C700%2C700italic%2C900%2C900italic|font_style:400%20regular%3A400%3Anormal”][vc_custom_heading text=”New Products” font_container=”tag:h3|text_align:left” google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%3A100%2C100italic%2C300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C500%2C500italic%2C700%2C700italic%2C900%2C900italic|font_style:100%20light%20regular%3A100%3Anormal” el_class=”widget-title”][vc_masonry_grid post_type=”post” max_items=”4″ element_width=”6″ gap=”10″ item=”basicGrid_NoAnimation” grid_id=”vc_gid:1568586336111-47002366-773b-4″ taxonomies=”579, 632, 631, 580, 582, 581″][vc_custom_heading text=”Other Posts” font_container=”tag:h3|text_align:left” google_fonts=”font_family:Roboto%3A100%2C100italic%2C300%2C300italic%2Cregular%2Citalic%2C500%2C500italic%2C700%2C700italic%2C900%2C900italic|font_style:100%20light%20regular%3A100%3Anormal” el_class=”widget-title”][vc_masonry_grid post_type=”post” max_items=”4″ element_width=”6″ gap=”10″ item=”basicGrid_NoAnimation” grid_id=”vc_gid:1568586336156-c190592e-a7da-4″ taxonomies=”132″][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Blog, Interior Design, Live/Work, Mystical Life, Reflections, Spirituality

Bohemian Studio

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With a move on the horizon (whether back to California or Boston….) I decided I’d take the time to take good b0fccac6853d11e39b73121f05e73e5c_8photos of my bedroom. I think it beat the bohemian look I strove for in my studio. I love the look of this bedroom. For me, if I’m going to be spending a lot of time in a particular room it’s gotta be comfortable and appealing to the eyes. That’s particularly why I dressed up my cubical at Minuteman… stark white walls, or tables, or anything similar bothers the heck out of me… and I think that’s why I’m a graphic designer because a blank document reminds me of white walls… anyway, Mercury Retrograde is coming and they recommend that during it’s shadow you do some cleaning. So I figured that it was the perfect time to clean my room. After doing a deep meditation the night before, I felt really refreshed and even woke up early today! I’ve been in a bit of a funk all month, so I’m happy to have my energy back.

Now, you won’t BELIEVE how amazing all the pieces of my studio came together in this bedroom/studio. It was as if it was made for it! The walls of the bedroom color were already there, and I think I may have missed the shade of pink for my studio. I think I should’ve gone for the darker shade and not the pastle/pepto-bismol pink. Oh well, I never really worked with pink before, so I got lucky on the second try! If I move to Santa Barbara… I may have to ditch my Bohemian decor as it may not go well with the pastel colors of the beach. 🙂

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This is the first view as you walk into the door.

The bookshelves are on the right and the closet is on the left as you face the room from the doorway.

All my photos have been processed.

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A more ‘zoomed’ in view, if you will.

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The view of the bed. The shelf contains magickal items and candles and artwork inspired by the ancient world.

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The view as if you are lying on the bed.

I decided to take this one without the flash.

So that’s why it’s a bit blurrier and darker.

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If you got up from the bed and went directly to the desk this is what you’d see.

Elephants and music… and electronics, unfinished design projects and tarot scatter the desk. ^_^

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Close up of the mouse area. I often do impromptu tarot readings with my friends online and like to keep a deck near by.

This is my latest deck that I got while in Santa Barbara. Goes perfectly with the decor. 🙂

I bought the mouse pad to go with my table cloth that I dressed up my cubical with but my boss didn’t like the way the mouse moved on the hard material…. so he made me switch back.

But I still love it and it works fine with a wireless mouse.

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If you’re sitting at the computer typing up a blog or finishing a long overdue design project,  to your right sits my altar table.

Working my spirituality helps with creative blocks and keeping my mind focused; it helps me to stay balanced and centered. I’m an elementalist and work primarily with spiritual light – so that includes ‘white’ and ‘black’ light. The checkered table cloth represents the ‘matrix’ of this ‘white’ and ‘black’ light that I see/work with. The white & black taper candles represents “above” and the large white & black pillar candles represents “below” – as in the “As above and so below” mantra.

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Above pictured: is my mini-cauldron for working with the fire element. Whenever I need to release energy, or if I need to call to action I work with fire.
Meh, just noticed the mess on the altar. Sorry about that, been working with it lately, anyway I think a messy altar is more interesting. 🙂

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Peering from the side of the fire element you see the center of the altar… the rainbow structure at the other end of the picture is a pyramid box to cleanse my crystals and other small items.

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Above the altar are my purple curtains from college and a stained glass piece that my former harp teacher gave me.

It goes perfectly with the decor!

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If you look left while sitting at the computer, a shallow dish contains crystals to help with the surrounding energy.

The statue behind it is of ksitigarbha – a Buddhist figure that destroys negative and harmful thoughts (like worrying!) .

In front of him, is a piece of selenite which is also a worrying stone for me.

In the way back is my photo of shaking Joe Kennedy’s hand at the Capitol Hill reception last September.

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To the right of the crystal garden, my photo lens pencil holder, and my coffee mug from this morning.

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To the left of the crystal garden you see my piano keyboard.

Well There you have it! That’s the tour of my bedroom. I hope this has given you some inspiration for your bedroom and/or studio.

Articles, Blog, Mystical Life, Reflections, Spirituality

Spiritual Relationships

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Untitled-1What is a Spiritual Relationship? A spiritual relationship is one where you feel a deep, strong emotional bond to another but there may be distinct physical barriers (age, marriage, another partner, status, position of power, etc) and the emotional relationship exists to teach the other a lesson – whatever that may be.

These relationships are often deep and tend to happen when the other person involved is attached. They are meant to cause a transformation which may be disguised as Love. But it it isn’t love – it has never been about love – although the person in question may feel it. Transformations are about internal changes that shake your world. Transformations cause a paradigm shift in the other – opening their world view and expanding it. And once the person is done transforming – they toss you out – and depending on their personality it could end it heartbreak or if you’re lucky just sadness. Most people cannot handle these deep relationships as it impacts their other partner and it leaves them confused and afraid.

These relationships have plagued my entire life. I am thankful for them as they have made me stronger and have finally come to terms with them. Now, with the next one, I may even fear it – as the loss of the relationship causes me a lot of pain. For awhile, it was something I yearned for in a romantic relationship – to have someone you love and have it returned, but at the same time have a deep spiritual connection – what more could you want from that?! But in my experience these spiritual relationships the other is never available in a romantic sense. And these relationships do not last – usually 6 months tops if it lasts beyond 2 years, than that’s something – but usually means it’s riddled with lessons.

This last spiritual relationship was between me and my boss. Now, I will probably never know what he’ll truly think of his experience with working with me or what he felt – but this past relationship has taught me what second chances felt like. Second chances as a lesson within a spiritual relationship? As I’m sure you can imagine, it was a pretty powerful experience. But being the person with all the power – who had his own issues – it was a relationship where I began to feel powerless. No matter what I could do or say, it wouldn’t fix the situation and I think I know why. He wasn’t learning his lessons within the spiritual relationship that I was teaching him; valuing relationships over money, understanding others who have disadvantages, among other things. Some people cannot handle the deepness of the relationship and often struggle to break it off. A spiritual relationship is a mirror – the other a mirror of oneself – since it is a spiritual lesson, energy is exchanged – it’s a two-way operation. Yes, he wasn’t learning his lessons because I couldn’t seem to change – so I am at fault too, of course. But lesson learning requires both partners to have the courage to develop the relationship and that’s where it failed. One person usually backs out, out of fear because most people are afraid of change and transformation.

 

Blog, Reflections, Spirituality

Melatonin

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I was doing so well. I haven’t thought about the situation in ages. Too busy trying to improve at work, I suppose.

Then today I woke up… with an immense overwhelming feelings of love for you. It was so hard to wake up this morning, I almost just stayed in bed – my medication was out anyway, I would’ve felt like shit the rest of the day.

With having a melatonin induced rest I was able to get up without problems. Once my mind was focused elsewhere, I was able to move past those feelings and regain my strength. The rest of the day was fine.

Then when I came home and logged on to facebook. I saw your beautiful face – and I broke down – a wave of emotions hit me.

I wondered how you were – trying to tune in using psychometric energy. I picked up you were single and not in a place to pursue anyone.

I clenched the blanket and wrapped it tighter around me. I just want this living nightmare to be over. I want so many things. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel so, so empty.

I miss the way you moved, the way you made my heart sing. The warmth I felt, the energy… and my biggest fear is that I will never find someone that will make me feel that way again.

Which is why I hold on. But holding on is a bit self-destructive.