Last Thursday I held a first ever fundraiser event for the collaborative project I have established with the Smithsonian Environmental Research Center and the North American Orchid Conservation Center. It was a first ever for me, but not first ever event. Unfortunately, we did not get as many people as we expected, nor raised as much as we expected. However, the event was had, the project was launched and a building block was built.

September was also a very challenging time for me, personally. SO much went wrong, that it actually blew my mind. For the first time in my project history things just did not pan out. No matter how much work I put into these projects and events, it either just altogether not end up happening or it was half-assed and the available resources in putting together these projects and events failed. I lost a lot of money and emotional energy, and for the month of August I was excited for this month to be my way of breaking into the community here; establishing connections, resources, and building a new community and strengthening the one I have already built. Well none of the above really happened. I pushed forward to prove the people in my circles that I could pull off the above yet the surrounding community didn’t pull through and it still failed.

At the beginning of the month, I had my first solo exhibition in Northampton and the Hampshire County. I was pretty excited that it came together so quickly. Had scheduled the dates for installation and reception times. Ordered the printed materials, only to be met with a last minute change in the duration of the exhibition as well as setup. Lost money in the printed materials as well as taking time off from work to install. I ended up setting up the following week, with the reception the following day. I had done postcards, online promotion, flyer distribution for the opening reception and City Hall failed to open the building on reception day so the 30-60 people I was expecting both of which of personal and non-personal contacts didn’t show, only one of my good friends came because she and her partner were already in the area and I had to let her into City Hall!

Fast forward to the following weekend. I had spent the last 3.5 years building a following in the travel and lifestyle categories and a social media reach to be able to work with hotel and resorts to promote travel, their destinations and residencies. I had connected with a photographer on Model Mayhem in Mount Tremper, NY area where I was scheduled to stay at Emerson Resort and Spa. Doing complimentary stays and media trips are a huge reward for hard work in building a blog and following. However, the photographer did not pull his weight and deliver the photos. He put a huge ass watermark and left the images unusable for digital and print publication regardless of explaining to him explicitly in email and in person over lunch the reasoning to not have watermarks in a collaboration. He took the entire project and made it about himself, used my comped room as a set for his following and acted like he had a lot of reactivity to his posts while on location when he didn’t. While in a Facebook live, he said “my room” when it was actually mine, and he wasn’t staying at the resort. People wonder why I have to or am used to doing everything myself, and this is why. As a freelancer/individual, sometimes I can’t trust anyone to carry through a vision.

I think it will take me some time to recover from this month and reassess what I did get out of the above, and how to milk the above to create a transmutation into something positive. While I do have a fear of failure, I do not believe in failure as there are many outcomes and possibilities in this universe. The mind just has to be open enough to attract it.